AynaKaijin

Yet again,i'm alone.

2011-04-12T02:23:00.002+08:00

What i say tonight,
What good does it do?

What i felt tonight,
What difference will it make in the future?

Have you ever wonder how i feel right now?
Have you ever thought how things have been for me all this while?

There you are,
So happy.
Here i am,
Feeling so lonely ever again.

Even with you beside me,
I feel emptiness in my soul.
Even when you're gone,
It doesnt made any difference to it.

I've always stood by you through it all.
& i've always wanted to leave you so badly.

Hey,
You dont have a single clue about this cause to you everything's fine.
You dont have any idea how much it hurts cause you're always smilling away.

Your love is killing me.

2011-04-09T01:51:00.001+08:00

If i said i miss you, would you run the miles to be beside me?
If i called you early in the morning telling you i've nightmare, would you comfort me saying everything going to be alright?

When my insecurity level is high & i kept asking you whether you love me, would you reassure me that you would still love me no matter what?
When i couldnt sleep at night, would you accompany me on the phone even if you have work?

If i leave, would you with all your might find me?
When i'm gone, would you forget me?

Inner thoughts

2011-04-09T01:48:00.000+08:00

Hey listen,
I'm not being demanding here but hear me out.
Did you listen to yourself when you speak? The last sentence you spoke, heck it hurts. I didnt realise i had still have a heart. I didnt realise i could still cry. Here i am trying my best to least love. To open up, to appreciate every single moments cause i never know when would all of these end. There you go again, blabbering on & on, complaining how much it hurts. Yes, you're trying to open up, telling me how it feels, trying to get across my head & heart. Havent have i told you, patience is the key. Dont talk about sincerity here Mr. You're the one blinded here, you yourself cant even see what that i'm trying my best & you think it doesnt hurt me one bit? Havent i told you to leave if all of these are hurting you? I wonder,why do i even bother telling you how i feel if you cant understand a bit? I wonder why am i trying to make things right? I wonder why cant we keep things simple? I wonder why i bother trying to feel love? I wonder why should i even said a thing when everything i said will only hurt you? You made a choice to stay. But, i dont think you know what choice i made. To stay or leave? If i stay, will you wonder why?
- anonymous, adapted.

2011-03-18T17:21:00.005+08:00

i wish i was 5. whereby i could still remember me laughing & smiling to my heart content. nothing seems to trouble me at all. where i wouldn't know what pain is, unless i fell onto the ground running around. damn that doesn't hurt much. the wound healed over time.

over the years, as i grew older, as i fell onto the ground, it became much & much more painful. i started learning about pain, but this time around, time couldn't even healed the wound. i don't even remember smiling & laughing to my heart's content now. heck, i couldn't even remember the time i could smile & laugh sincerely.

nothing last. those memories were only kept as memories. when i was a kid, i never thought life would be this hard. as i grew older, i ventured out on my own. in search for the meaning of life. in search what's life are all about. along the way, i fell down. numerous of times, the pain i felt was nothing compared to when i was 5. i tasted what they called love, friendship, tasted bitter & sorrows. but sadly, happiness doesn't stick around onto me.

but all that search are worthless & useless. it doesn't meant a thing now. meant nothing at all. here i am all alone & left with nothing. emptiness fills me broken heart. the fights are over. i've nothing to hold on to. i've nothing to fight for. & i don't even know why am i still here. this just might be the end.

i could write up a thousand words essay & said a thousand things, but everything is meaningless now. everything's i held on & fight for are gone. yeah, i wish i was 5.

2011-03-04T16:10:00.002+08:00

maybe it has ended.
but its actually the start of something new for you.

this is your wake up call my dear friend.

once a mistake,always will be.

2011-03-04T15:45:00.002+08:00

just when you thought you could lean on someone.
he left.

he left you the way you were when he picked you up.
he left you with nothing.

& now everything you thought he was,wasnt.

to think you knew him when you don't.
cause he's still the same old same old person.

your world crumble down as soon as he left.
like nothing happened.

they say to you,
damn girl what is wrong with you.we all knew that you're strong enough to withstand this,alone or not.you're strong enough to fight this.you once told us,everyone,that things happened for a reason.god damn it.he doesn't deserve you.

or maybe you don't deserve people who are selfish enough to think only about themselves,
how it hurts them,
their selfish ways,their pains,sorrows.

just like a freaking doll.
use you,throw you.

if only they knew how much it hurts you.
if only they knew that you had enough of this bullshits.

as lonely as you are,i am too.
as sick & tired as you are,i am too.

take it as a test.
a test of will & strength.

how you solve it.
no matter what the odds are,
there's always solutions to everything.
things will definitely work out,god's willing.

you once told everyone around you,
if there's will,there will be ways.

to my dear friend,
i know you're strong enough to pull through this.
i believe you could.

besides,
you're always better off alone,aren't you.
next time,
don't lean on fences.
try leaning on walls instead.
they're much stronger.

sincerely yours,
Ayna Kaijin.

2011-01-14T01:43:00.001+08:00

Dear love,

Whn i told evryone i threw you,
guess i lied.

Cause i still kept your promise.

2011-01-08T21:16:00.001+08:00

Dearest love,
I'm still missing you.

Yours sincerely,
Ayna Kaijin.

More than enough

2010-10-30T01:54:00.001+08:00

What more do you want?

I want,
Everything that i cant have.
Everything that i do not have.

Everything that i couldnt get.
Everything that i did not get.

But it seems like i have & want everything,i got.

Yeah,
What more could i ask for?
What more do i want?

if ever,

2010-09-21T12:18:00.000+08:00

if i’ll leave,

don’t cry.don’t blame yourself.don’t dwell over it.

you’ll be fine.

you’ll find a path.

sadly,no longer the same path.

i was never fond of saying goodbye.

not because it hurts but because i wouldn’t have a reason for leaving you alone on this cruel world.

goodbyes meants the end.

no,we’re not through.

you were never alone,not from the start,never on the end,neither at the middle.

there’ll be this particular someone ready to stand beside you.

sorry it wont be me this time round.

happiness

2010-08-20T00:04:00.003+08:00

People wish that they'll be happy.
well tell me,
who doesn't ??

Well,
everyone does.
its matter of whether you do something about it or not.

it's actually easier being hurt compare to being happy.

if there's happiness definitely there's bound to be sadness.

its not an easy task if you do not know what makes you happy.
definitely not an easy task if you do not share that happiness of yours.

plus you care less about your surroundings.

happiness are at your fingertips,
choose it wisely.

Cries

2010-08-03T00:58:00.000+08:00

" Baby,i'm sorry. I should have shared my happiness but instead i shared my pain. I keep feeling the pain. I can't move,not even a step. I believe neither could you. Goodbye. "

Sad isn't it, to know you're loving alone.
To know its a one sided love all this while.

" I hate gravity. I can't jump wishing i was flying cause i knew i'll somehow land back on my feet. Everything seem to pull me down. Eventually i fall flat on my face. "

& well she said to me,

" I envied people who can smile & laugh about in life cause i knew i can't. I laugh & smile cause its funny. But not cause i'm sincere. Life's real, reality is real but those people who faking things make me sick. I'm sick & my heart's tired. I've try,tried to make things change for the better. I tried so fucking hard but nothing's left for me & of me. Cruel isn't it my friend? & just maybe i'm on a trial & just maybe i'm suffering now but who knows later on everything going to be fine. Everything single hard work going to be paid off. "

Just maybe my dear friend,
Everything going to be alright.
But that i wouldn't & couldn't promise you cause i'm not sure myself.

Tell me,
You seek comfort from others,you seek happiness & joy from others,you made others smile whereas on the other hand you're just sad.

Is this fair for you?

Truths

2010-06-07T01:31:00.001+08:00

Everyone has a secret to keep.
Every secret has a dark side or a dark past.

As for me,
I would like to keep it hidden cause every past of mine can affect my present whether with someone or not.

Its not that i wouldn't want to share,but i think its not that important.
Its that i hate it so much even i can't handle the truth about it.

& do you think you could?

As for now,i'll keep thing as it is.
I lock it away where it should be.

I'll admit i'm afraid.
Afraid to lose out.
Afraid to lose what i treasure the most in my life,right now.

Cause everything so fragile,everything made to be broken.
Cause everything,even th smallest things means so much to me.

& i'm afraid to lose you.
Thats my truth.

iloveyou

keep up

2010-05-17T20:49:00.002+08:00

sometimes you'll think you cant overcome the impossible but the true is,
it makes you want to try harder even if it takes lots of strength and effort.

but if in the end,
it didn't turn or work out well or as expected,
at least you give it a try.

you gave your best & you knows how things turn out to be,
what the outcome is.

don't give up trying because sometimes it's worth the while & because sometimes it worth the try.

2010-05-05T22:01:00.003+08:00

i'm keeping things simple & easy.

life may not be perfect but i'm loving every second of it.
i wouldnt expect everyday to be great or fine.

but some other way it'll be better.

i'm changing every bad aspects into better ones.

You're brainless:)

2010-04-19T22:28:00.000+08:00

Stop whining & complaining if you do nothing about it.
You yourself know that its going to repeat itself over & over again.

If you dont like it,
why let it be?
Change it idiot.

Its like you tell the whole world that you hate your life but still you're living it.
Just end if you dont change it.
True right.

Whats wrong with you?
Boasting aint doing you good.

Eventually if you're not sick of it,
they are.

Same thing over & over again.
Damn it.

Gosh you're sickening!

giving up & giving in

2010-04-13T23:07:00.002+08:00

"Are you giving up ? Why are you walking off ? This is what i get from someone who claims she loves me ?"

" No. I didn't gave up. I gave in. "

There's a huge different about giving up & giving in. Its just that we can't never see it.

With loves,

2010-04-12T22:32:00.001+08:00

People tend to be inspired when their life is down.
Thats when they are learning somewhat a little about life.

People tend to forget when their life is going smoothly.
Thats when they are at risk & the impact on falling will effect them greatly.

Everyone has their own stories.
Friendship,love & family.
Thats life.

People tends to regret.
But they forgotten that they are the ones who make things happen.

The earth is the stage.
& we're the puppets.

We play our lives right or wrong.

We need to stand strong & stand by each other.
Understanding,strength,hope,faith & believe.
This are a few that plays an important role in our life.

I've always believe & hope for the best.
Always have holded on & not giving up.
Cause it the end i know i've tried my best.

I love you.

beauty

2010-04-06T22:52:00.002+08:00

You bring out the best of out life.

If i were in her shoes,

2010-03-20T21:15:00.001+08:00

She wish he knew how much she needs him.
She wish he knew how much it hurts her,
& so he'll never repeat the mistake.

She wish he knew how much effort she puts in.
She wish he knew how much this means to her,
& so he were to take it & her seriously.

She wish he knew how hard she tried.

Eventually she wish for many things to happen.
She wishes too much.
She wanted too much.
She ask for too much.
Cause all she wanted was he to make her happy.

Tell me,
how can love not be selfish to just please a heart or two?

Eventually i don't get her story.
Do you?

How do you handle it & what would you do?

Dearest

2010-03-20T21:08:00.001+08:00

Dear life,
You taught me lot of things.

That some things in life cannot be touched in order to feel.
That some things in life takes appreciation in order to feel.

Even if the smallest effort is put in.

Its the thoughts that counts.
& sincerity that matters.

As so,
Even at the smallest oppurturnity i would like to say i love you my dearest.

& i mean it.
Good night dear life.
Thank you.

all those things

2010-02-24T22:49:00.002+08:00

Sometimes you would feel your existent are not treasured.
Sometimes you would feel mad at nothing.

Sometimes you would think of all those negative things around you.
Sometimes you would feel like losing what you have right now.

Don't worry about those feelings.

Let it all go.
Let it pass.
Let it fly.

You're just insecure.

Treasure what you have now.

Sometimes you're just too busy thinking about things you can't have,
you don't realize you just lose the things you have.

So my friend,
just calm down.

Don't get too tense up,
let things fall into places.

I dnt get it.

2010-02-18T12:47:00.000+08:00

Tell me my friend,

What's right when its wrong and wrong when its right?

So,what's is right and wrong here?

Same goes to,

Whats left when nothing is right and what's right when nothing is left?

Revovle

2010-02-18T12:41:00.001+08:00

Dont ever wish that one day when you woke up,
You realise there's no longer anger in you.

When you suddenly feel happy for no reason.
When you start to appreciate the littlest things you have in life/around you.

& that you feel you're on cloud nine.
& you never take things for granted.

Sadly my friend,
The world is just too cruel for us.

Evolutions

2010-02-18T12:07:00.000+08:00

Theres too much anger burning inside of you.

One day,you'll wish you could scream of top of your lungs & tell the world how you feel.
You wish it changes & opens up their points of view.

You wish they understand you more.
You wish they'll know how you feel.
You wish they'll listens to even your littlest stories.

But that my friend,
Is just your wishful thinking.

2010-02-09T01:26:00.001+08:00

Entangle minds leads to complications. Clear it out,cause it leads you nowhere. Th reason you're stuck is because you're confuse. Even if its a two way road,don't turn back. Even if you're afraid to fall, don't be. Because you're learning. Because if you turn back,you'll never feel the achievements or failures. & you'll never learn. Believe it or not,no one learns through the easy way cos thy can never easily reflect on themselves. & because humans are selfish bunch. Goodnight to Monday goodmornin to Tuesday:)

2010-02-09T01:25:00.001+08:00

Love comes naturally. Even when you don't feel it,you know its there. & when its there & you don't feel it,do you think you're worth it? & even if you want it so badly,you've to earn fr it. & when you have it, do you think you can cherish it? & if you think love is complicated fr you to understand,look in the mirror.its you whose making it hard. you're the complicated ones. its just a matter of how you see it through. goodnight love. have a pleasant day ahead of you.

goodbye past

2010-02-09T01:24:00.002+08:00

i'm doing fine.
but most important of all,

i'm happy.
thank you:)

matter of heart

2010-01-23T02:04:00.001+08:00

Dear,
Remember the time we got together?

I still do.

You didnt care what others said or think.
You only cared about me,us.

You leave your past because you knew i'll be there for you and stay.
Because you knew i'll walk it through with you.

Somehow you became a friend a bestfriend a boyfriend and a lover to me.
Somehow you love me for me.
Somehow you tried your best to keep on loving me.

And somehow you knew we never meant to be together but we did.
And somehow you knew i was never meant to love you but i did.

I vividly remember you said,
" dear,does it hurts when you fell from heaven?cause you're like an angel "

There's never room for more than two.
We built our own fairytale, live in it and are happy with it.

But,
Reality came crashing in.

I never thought i would be here alone.
I never thought it would turn out this way.

Love blinds people,
But yours is real.
Yours wasnt blind love.

The reason why i cant stop crying my heart out.

I LOVE YOU MUHD SUFYAN.

2010-01-15T23:53:00.002+08:00

dear,

if this relationship is broken,
i guess you'll feel the pain more than i do.

because you love me much more than i love you.

i couldn't love you more.
because i still doubt this relationship.

but as days pass by,
after you left,

i think i can do much more better than previously.

i'll love you more each day.
i'll start to miss you more each day.

i'll do things twice better.

we'll have happy moments compare to the bitter ones.

even though you left,
i still blame myself.

if only ....

i miss us.
i need you more than anyone else needs you.

"above all the things,
this story is about love."

-mine's dead. and i'm trying my best to rekindle the spark. but i know i can't do it alone. i need my other half. you my love, you. i need you.

sincerely yours,
aynakaijin.

you is all i need.

2010-01-13T23:36:00.001+08:00

i wish you are here during my miserable/worse state.

i miss you my love.
i love you my dear.

i need you badly.
i want you badly.

sigh.

miserable

2010-01-12T19:28:00.001+08:00

its never too late to start anew.
i'll be waiting my love.

i love you.

55th

2010-01-10T23:37:00.002+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD.
I LOVE YOU.

sincerely yours, aynakaijin

2010-01-10T23:18:00.002+08:00

i asked a friend,
what makes you convinced that you loved him.

she answered,
i can imagine my life with him.

truth is my love,
i can never imagine my life with you.

i never did dream of you,us.
either did i ever dream of us being together.

i tried,
but the results hurts.

i can only see myself being miserable.

and a other friend said,
if you can never accept that person.
how will that person accept you.

take a look at me and you.

i accepted you,
the reason why you accepted me as your best friend.

just like you accepted me.
you still love me even when you knew i'm a bad girlfriend.

by nature you're not bad.
you just walked the wrong path.
that's all.

a friend told me,
she received a bouquet of whites roses.

well,
i remembered on our anniversary,
you send a a bouquet of red roses plus a teddy bear.

when i got home,
they were lying on my bed.

oh dear,
i remember clearly how you asked me to be only yours.

i was wrong.
i wanted a perfect boyfriend.
but you,
you my dear,
are perfect the way you are.

you don't give a shit on what people think or say.

you still love me.

i miss you truly.
i love you muhd sufyan.

you make me the luckiest girl ever.
i love you =)

i still love you

2010-01-09T22:05:00.003+08:00

all this while,
my heart still seeks only you.
my heart seeks for your love.

what's best for us right now my dear ?

ps. i'm still not use with you not being around me.

you is all i need

2010-01-07T15:22:00.010+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAMA.
I LOVE YOU

NOTHING CAN COMPARED YOUR LOVE FOR ME.
THANK YOU MA.

what went wrong ?

2010-01-07T00:36:00.002+08:00

i miss you so badly.

sometime i wish for you to come back to me.
came knocking on my door telling me you miss me.
hugging me saying you'll never let me go,
kissing me on my forehead and say you love me.

but that was just a wishful dream.
cause it will never happen.

not now though.

sometime i wish you would just leave and never come back.
cause eventually you'll break my heart once more.

i just cant patiently sit back and wait.
i kept telling myself to move on.

but i'm just afraid.
afraid that i got lost once more.

you seems so far behind.

please dont walk behind,
cause i cant see you.

please dont walk infront,
cause you seem to be out of reach.

please walk beside me,
cause eventually you'll stay.

i love you my dear.

my feelings for you is sincere.

2010-01-04T16:37:00.004+08:00

dear,
i miss you.
i miss us.

we used to be so close.
ever so close.

nothing could stand between our way.

until now.
until it happen.

but i promised myself to stay strong and be happy no matter what.

and i'm happy now.

though i miss you,
though i kept looking back.

i've to walk forward.

i know deep inside you'll understand.

i love you muhd sufyan bin sabtu.
i love you =)

smile my friend,smile

2010-01-03T15:04:00.001+08:00

now i can finally say,
i'm happy.

thank you my love :)

2010

2010-01-01T12:04:00.004+08:00

yawn.
this is going to be lame and crappy.
and its going to sound kind of bullshit.

my resolution was to embrace changes and accept what the future held for me.
cause someone told me that things happen for a reasons.

and so,
the first thing to do is not give a freaking damn.

whatever it is,
i'll accept it with a willing heart.

the more i give a damn,
the more i leave myself open to hurt.

i wash my hands off everything, 2009.

its a new start, a fresh start.

i'll leave the past behind and start walking forward.
i want to achieve my dreams, badly.

and not to forget,
i've to stop scaring people for now :)

there's more definition to the word love.
and i thought i knew what it was.
but i was wrong,
always.

hatred was the only thing i understand the most.
anger was the only thing i was seeking for.
(you'll be glad to hear this, finally admitting to my flaws)

and so,
there's always hope.

if there's will, there's a way :)

i'm staying here being happy for now.

though i know deep inside,
you'll always love me ♥

supersonic

2009-12-31T15:06:00.001+08:00

I need to be myself
I can't be no one else
I'm feeling supersonic.

You need to find out
'Cos no one's gonna tell you what I'm on about
You need to find a way for what you want to say.

You need to be yourself
You can't be no one else.

He lives under a waterfall
No body can see him
No body can ever hear him call .

hatred

2009-12-31T00:17:00.000+08:00

only when I stop to think about it.

i hate everything about you
why do i love you ?

i hate everything about you
why do i still in love you ?

how can you live with this ?

2009-12-29T19:03:00.003+08:00

sometimes i wonder,
who am i to you now ?

it'll be a different story once you come back.

everyone will be putting on their mask & pretend.
bunch of plastics.

sometimes i wonder
when will they realize that they are not the next big thing.

wait,
with a arrogance attitude like that.

i don't think they'll ever realize anything.

ps. i badly want to visit my boyfriend. yes i miss him so much, ever much than you could know. but due to some stupid circumstances, i'll pass that idea. call me heartless i don't care. you're just an asshole. i've a perfect and good reason to neglect you. but no, i love you too much. what will i get at the end ?

empty

2009-12-28T14:19:00.002+08:00

i never believe in fairytale & i feel that happy endings are crappy.
until i find mine.

wait,
i used to believe in fairy tales & happy endings.

but i later realize that the world is full of bitterness.

good things lasts awhile.
bad things lasts forever.

it can go on and on and on.
its a never ending revolution.

when there's anger, there's hatred.

i don't find happiness ever lasting.
it fills you for awhile.

cause when there's happiness,
there's bound to be sadness.

people say life's unfair.
but i say its fair enough.

every actions has it consequences.

but when the time comes for me to build up my world of magic,
i gladly will.

that's when every thing is happy.
that's when you come back.
that's when i feel you belong to me only.

cause you lit my life with happiness even when i'm sad.

speechless.

2009-12-27T15:24:00.002+08:00

if you have three wishes,
what would you wish for ?

you'll have to live with those wishes you made through out your life.

so,
think wisely.
think it through.

stop putting up on a act.

2009-12-26T11:32:00.002+08:00

sometimes i wonder,
who am i to you ?

and you said that she knows how much you truly love me.

and i wonder again,
where do i stand this time ?

i was kept in the dark about you.

who the fuck am i now ?

and i thought they knew what sacrifice was.
and i thought they knew what love was.

they truly live up to their reputations.
selfish kinds.

i have a perfect reason not to feel guilty if i neglect you.

know yourself.

2009-12-24T14:59:00.002+08:00

things falls apart.
with or without knowledge.

in a blink of an eye,
they disappear.

they become strangers.

the person you never knew.

they carrying on their lives like you never ever existed.

they stop asking how have you been.
they stop sending regards.

and you thought they knew what love was.
and you thought they knew what sacrifice was.

no,
they just acted like you never existed.

and then,
that's when you started to neglect things around you and in front of you.

when you realize,
things are getting worst every minute.

you now never knew your place.

a walk to remember

2009-12-24T00:53:00.000+08:00

i'm sorry for running away.

its too much for me.
i just have to get away.

i'm really sorry though.
i didnt meant to hurt,unintentionally.

and for now,
lets get everthing straight.

its too sudden and fast.
once again i'm sorry,truly.

stop dying & start living \m/

2009-12-22T10:53:00.006+08:00

already gone
i love you enough to let you go

i thought i was stuck.
and so,

i stood there alone, again.

no,
i don't wish for this to happen.
i don't want this to happen.

you made it happen.
so why am i still here ?

no,
you were not the one who made me stuck.
i made myself stuck.

i'm moving forward now.
but this time i'm looking back, though it hurts.

we can't revive what's dead.
and i can't pick up those pieces alone.

one day,
when you're catching up,
i'll wait.

but now,
i've to move.

you once told me you admire me for my strength and hope.
but you told me every single day i've to be stronger than before when you left.

and so my dear,
i decided to finally get on my feet and run.

though i'll miss those times and moments badly.

finally i decided its time to let go.

it'll come back if it meant to be mine.
always look at the bright side of things.

stop & stare

2009-12-21T22:38:00.006+08:00

unintended

as i move forward,
i stop to rest.

and so,
i sat on the edge of the world thinking about the possibilities we had together.

it was a 50-50 possible solutions.
one has to sacrifice lots for it to happen and one has to understand how the situtions are.

i know deep inside,
you'll wish for it happen & you want it to happen.

but dear,
i'm not sure of it myself.

i'm half way through forgetting about you,us & our place.
and the moment i sat of the edge of the world and reflected on myself.

i realise i really miss you so much.
and i feel i neglected you,us.

i've been lying to myself all this while now.
i've been moving forward, leaving everything back and hoping all would go away.

but all i wanted was to be with you and i wanted you to be right here by my side.

i've moved but i'm not sure where i am now.
i'm lost & afraid.

i don't want to have any time alone.

i hate this.

why do i feel that i'm the one leaving you standing there alone ?

i don't wish to look back.
i don't wish to turn back.

a little voice inside my head told me don't look back, never look back.

and now i'm stuck.

the thought of you there kills me.
you, left me alone hanging onto something that was left for quite some time now.
and you, killed me softly with this pain you left behind.

i hope it'll be over & done with.

though i miss you so much & i still love you.

a get away.

2009-12-21T21:28:00.008+08:00

last breathe

2009-12-16T02:16:00.002+08:00

i'm walking forward.
taking baby steps.

i'm not looking back.
cause it hurts me alot.

thanks my friend.
its time to walk alone for now.

i miss,

2009-12-03T00:50:00.002+08:00

i miss my love.
i miss you.

i miss my man.
i miss us.

i miss the one person who understands me.
i miss those times.

i miss those moments spent.
i miss quarreling.

i miss being so mean.
i miss being so nice.

but ultimately,
i miss my boyfriend.

its going to be a long wait.
i'm not too sure about it.

insecured

2009-11-28T23:55:00.002+08:00

i wanted to run away,
nevr have to look back.

but i'm trap inside this silence.

even if i were to shout,
the whole world cant hear it.

i feel terrible.

i tried to held on to the light,
but as i tried,
the darker it gets.

i miss my love.

can i have it back, please ?

true feelings

2009-11-25T20:38:00.004+08:00

loving you when you're not around is harder than anything i could handle.

i break down every now & then.
but all i could do is to keep this love bottled up like they never existed.

i'm living in my own fantasy & my conscience kept asking me to let it go.
if its only easier.

& for a moment there, i'm starting to hate it.

& its getting to me.
i wanted to run but my legs wouldn't move.

i'm stuck here.
waiting.

& i miss you love.

2009-11-24T12:52:00.000+08:00

"its going to be ok. things will be fine"

just a thought.

2009-11-22T00:41:00.003+08:00

4 words for you my friend,

KENTAL ARH LU MINAH!

now you can go around like nothing had happened.
& i leave it to God to decide what will happen next = )

wonders

2009-11-19T12:52:00.001+08:00

happy birthday:)

great

2009-11-18T11:57:00.001+08:00

you are the greatest thing that happen to me.

my boyfriend

2009-11-12T23:12:00.003+08:00

i'm missing you badly.

i cant wait for the day you'll be mine again.

love is blessing.

2009-11-10T13:48:00.000+08:00

Happy 2 Years Anniversary My Dear Muhd Sufyan.

it just sad we cant celebrate this special occasion together.
this would be a special moment we could have together.

i really wish you are here.

i never missed you this much before.
i love you.

AynaKaijin.

101107.

i dont want to miss a thing.

2009-11-10T13:13:00.007+08:00

I don't wanna miss one smile.

I don't wanna miss one kiss.

Well, I just wanna be with you.

Right here with you, just like this.

I just wanna hold you close.

Feel your heart so close to mine.

And stay here in this moment.

For all the rest of time.

shattered

2009-11-09T15:47:00.000+08:00

i miss you so much muhd sufyan.

end of story

2009-11-06T20:12:00.001+08:00

i'm flying off somewhere.
dont find me.

cause i wont bother.

nothing i cant handle.

2009-11-03T22:53:00.003+08:00

i wont give up.
i will never do.

i will fight till the end even if you hate it.

even how bad you made me sound.
i will never let myself fall down & struggle.

i put too many efforts on him.
i even took the risk.

it will be ok.
because life is not as bad as it seems.

enough is enough.

2009-11-03T22:00:00.002+08:00

i am so pissed off.
it really shows that you do not approve of it.

please stop disguising yourself.
you're just another fake who are in denial.

why keep pestering questions of which i cant answer ?

if you really care,
he wont be feeling left out.

he wont seek love from another.

you're just the kind of person i wish not to have anything to do with.
i rather walk away then deal with you.

i'm sorry.
i just dont mean to be rude.

its really to much.

i love you love you love you.

2009-11-01T13:00:00.004+08:00

i love you muhd sufyan.
& it will stay that way.

each night i feel you beside me.
& i heard your whispers.

birthdays.

2009-10-30T22:53:00.000+08:00

happy 29th birthday to my dear brother.
happy 24th birthday to my dear sister tomorrow.

there are big differences of age gap,
& both of you guys are a useless role model for your little sister.
setting bad examples for her.

aint getting younger day by day.
but nonetheless,
i still love both of you guys.

not the best siblings or family orientated type,
but still you're the family that i can never get away from.

i love you guys.

muhammad sufyan,
i dreamt about you.

love blinds people

2009-10-29T13:48:00.008+08:00

have i told you that it gets lonely each day passes by?
i wish you you here & still wishing.

when you return,
lets pick things up where we had left them.

start a new chapter in our life.

there so much things to do.
& i want to do it together with you.

you once told me that you want to grow old with me.
you once told me that i change you into a better man.

keep that as a promise.

be better for yourself.

i love you muhammad sufyan.

day 10

2009-10-25T22:06:00.005+08:00

dear boyfriend,
i still miss you.

its hard to let it go.
i cant just walk through it & let things be forgotten.

i miss you so much.

its 10 days since you left,
but i'm still waiting.

i wont be late this time.

i love you.

english paper followed by maths.
wish you were here to comfort me.
sigh.
wish me luck cause NOTHING entering my brain.

loves,
AYNA & PYAN KAIJIN

rock chick \m/

2009-10-24T01:40:00.000+08:00

a change of skin.
oppting a rocker chick look.

recently out of boredom.
i had my hair dyed black with red highlights.

this lady just turned sexy for you my boy.

& obviously she wants her boyfriend back.

day 9,
& i still miss the hell out of you.

i never feel so good with black hair before.
feeling sexy suddenly.

you are so gonna love it baby.

loves,
AYNA & PYAN KAIJIN

before & after

2009-10-21T23:01:00.002+08:00

let me recall,
you left me once before.

but it seems much easier before.
than now.
(is it because we just started a relationship?)

maybe because i got pre-occupied by drinking a LITTLE too much,
which i know it doesnt help,
which i dont find it necessary.
(i quited/stopped alcohols. yay me)

am just wondering how i did it before.

or is it because i dont care much?

dont worry,
i'm pre-occupied by studies NOW,
(actually,correction,am stucked with it.)

boo hoo.

its really diefferent now dnt you think so?

how can they just shove/forget about it & move on?

come on people,tell me what's your big secret?

how do you guys do it?
seems so easy,
which is not.

its harder than doing maths or waiting for the plants to grow,
(if you had planted a green bean out of boredom)

i was never patience. (haha)

now i need to.

sigh.
fuck la fuck la.

my brain just got haywired.
too much going on in there.

if only you had a mircoscope,
you'll see how things are.

crapping about life.

(smetimes,life aint that bad as you image.just need a little maintenances/adjustments to it)

thanks.

loves,
AYNA & PYAN KAIJIN.

i miss you kissing my forehead.

day 5

2009-10-20T11:22:00.004+08:00

waiting, waiting & still waiting.

its going to be a long wait.

i hope you hear me saying "i love you" every single day.
& "goodnight sleep tight sweet dreams love you miss you muacks muacks muacks" every single night.

(& i keep reciting that you are not dead.)

cause i act like as if you are.

& yesterday i went over your place.
sat at your room.

open your wardrobe & kept myself from tearing up.(shaqy told me i was brave not to break down)
& open up your little box you kept behind your clothes.
look through the content,

& smiled to myself.

i made a little diary inside my nintendo dsi,
to show you how i felt over the days.

everyone was there to comfort me.
thanks.

(i just realise i need to buck up on my english.shucks.)

loves,
AYNA & PYAN KAIJIN

waiting for the day you call.

2009-10-18T16:01:00.008+08:00

Day 3,

everyone around me trying to cheer me up.
family & friends.
thank you guys.

but i feel so empty right now w/o you.
feels like eternity.

i miss you.

AYNA & PYAN KAIJIN.

I LOVE YOU

2009-10-15T22:54:00.002+08:00

i know someday you have to leave.
but i thought it wouldnt be this soon.

i never did thought it will be this hard,
its even harder than breaking up.

you promised you wont leave soon.
cause there's lots more that have to be done.

but unfortunately,
it was never achieve.
but we will some day,
trust me we will.

you promised you'll leave after i ended my o levels,
so i wouldnt have to worry much or to think much.

& so i thought it was ok.

but those promises was broken.

wait all those promises were broken.

i know you want to fulfill them & not intentially meant to broke them,
but time was just not by our side.

i know i'm not the only person going through the pain.
but they have no idea how terrible i feel.

you've been beside me through thick & thin.
never did you leave my side.
cause your love for me is as strong as a iron & will forever be.

i regreted not treating you nicely.

i was harsh on you.
cold treatment was given but you never gave up on me.

you are the greatest boyfriend i had.

i was treated like a princess.
i was your princess.

you are prince charming.

1 yr 10 month back ago,
i never did thought we go far.
but i was wrong.
look how far we've come.

things will never be the same without you.

no more hanging onto the phone until we fell asleep.
no more play 'pretend princess'.
no hugs kisses & mushy talks.

most important,
you no longer here beside me.

its not easy being strong.
it was never.

i had to built a wall so i never fall hard,
but the wall was you.

you are a amazing boyfriend.

i love you muhd sufyan.
i love you so much.

they just wont know.

i missing you muhd sufyan.

good night sleep tight sweet dreams.
love you miss you muacks muacks muacks.

AYNA & PYAN KAIJIN.

big day ahead.

2009-10-14T13:00:00.003+08:00

yesterday bio prac was ok i guess.
its kind of simple.
but lots of mistakes were made.

i took pure bio but studied combined.
it should be PURE lazy.

lucky me,
the same questions i studied for the previous night appeared.

& you should know how happy i felt.
lols.

oh yeah,
i think i'm abnormal.
i tend to fall sick as my exams dates are drawing near.

i hate exams flu.

anyways last week,
i bought myself a nintendo dsi.

featured with camera & a mp3 song player.

cool for me.
& i also bought cooking mama2.

yeah a kid's game which got most people hooked on.

(lols)

anyways,
have you realize that i'm writing a proper update.

wow,
yeah me.

ok silly.

why am i telling you?
its not as if anyone reads this damn blog.

i miss boyfriend.

not to forget,
fuck you mrs bitch fuck you!

i'll be really really busy this upcoming weeks/month(s).

(haha)

i am so going to pampered myself when examinations are over!

ok.

sincerely yours,
aynakaijin.

ps wish me luck people.my chem prac is tomorrow.loves:)

mrs bitch.

2009-10-12T18:41:00.003+08:00

i'm sorry.
did i give out the wrong signal to you?

i'm happy, fine thanks.

you're a asshole yourself.
you think too highly that you forgotten where you used to stood.

fuck you miss fuck you.

uncertainty

2009-10-08T12:39:00.004+08:00

i don't know how to love you.

I'm torn between what was and what could be.

if only i could.

2009-10-08T12:07:00.002+08:00

close your eyes, clear your heart & let it go.

yet again,
those laughter lasted only a while.

but,
those fucking crap lingers on & on.

uncertainty

2009-10-06T11:42:00.003+08:00

i have nothing more to say to you.

knowing that you would shove me aside,
i wouldn't had made that effort.

i'm torn between what was and what could be.

a sprinkle of colours

2009-10-04T16:03:00.004+08:00

suddenly i got disgusted.
by you i guess.

you have no idea what's going through around you.

& suddenly i got tired of your little games, of your life.

indirectly i may point my fingers at you.

i know i've walked out & throw you out.

but my intuition tells me that i am needed there by you,maybe.
to be prove by you,(who knows).

i'm just hard-headed or maybe my heart is 91 percent made up of cement.

& also my intuition tells me to be there for you.
but i'm doubtful that you will ever see what my true intentions tells you.

but i also guess that it wont be needed anymore.

sometimes i wished to be direct.
but i don't think it will ever change a thing.

&it really doesn't matter that much now anyways.

cheers dear cheers.

never the same

2009-10-02T14:44:00.014+08:00

a perfect man could be anywhere in the world. but he chooses her because he's better beside her.

i urge to say i love you & i miss you so damn much.
but even if i told you so.

it wont clear away the anger i kept within me.

pretend.

2009-10-01T15:19:00.006+08:00

Pushing away doesn't cause things to come together, all it causes is for things to be pushed away

i'm tired of playing pretend.
how long will this act last ?

i'm not sure who have i become lately?

i'm not as comfortable as i am used to around you.

lets not play anymore pretend games.

i'm not sure how to behave around you.

i'll only get the opposite from you.

2009-09-25T10:17:00.003+08:00

"Don't hold to anger, hurt or pain. They steal your energy and keep you from love."

life can be define as unfair.
but i think its fair enough for us human beings.

you reap what you sow.

we cant own everything.
to gain one thing,
you lose another.

every something we did,
there's a consequences to it.

i lost something that i treasured the most.
it felt like i lost part of me.

i've never been this insecure in my life before.

i pushed you too hard.
to be a better man.
to prove to people that you can be better.

but i was wrong.
you are just the same as them.
your filthy friends!

no wait.
it was my fault.

really.

i'm sorry.

you're glad i'm leaving.
take care my love.

do i even deserve it ?
do i deserve to be like this ?

do i ?

please tell me.
dont keep yourself shut.

have you tried your very best,
yet you're being let down again & again.

have you never given up your hopes,
yet you're being disappointed & lied.

have you felt like you're just being used ?

could you for once strip away your ego & do something sincerely ?

those pictures,
does it meant anything to you now ?

finally you won the game.

a simple kind of life.

2009-09-15T01:23:00.001+08:00

For a long time I was in love
Not only in love, I was obsessed
With a friendship that no one else could touch
It didn't work out, I'm covered in shells

And all I wanted was the simple things
A simple kind of life
And all I needed was a simple man
So I could be a wife

I'm so ashamed, I've been so mean
I don't know how it got to this point
I always was the one with all the love
You came along, I'm hunting you down

Like a sick domestic abuser looking for a fight
And all I wanted was the simple things
A simple kind of life

If we met tomorrow for the very first time
Would it start all over again?
Would I try to make you mine?

I always thought I'd be a mom
Sometimes I wish for a mistake
The longer that I wait the more selfish that I get
You seem like you'd be a good dad

Now all those simple things are simply too complicated for my life
How'd I get so faithful to my freedom?
A selfish kind of life
When all I ever wanted was the simple things
A simple kind of life

the ideal boyfriend.

2009-09-15T01:08:00.004+08:00

i'm sick of getting mad at you.
i'm sick at shouting at you.
i'm sick of scolding you.

cause all this while,
you never took it seriously.

my words falls on deaf ears.

you know,
everyone thinks i'm the bitch,

shouting at you,
getting mad at you.
scolding you.

all for no reasons.

& you,
the perfect little guy.
so devoted.

so loving, caring.

& i admit that.
yes you are.

no guys can beat at what you're doing.

a little adjustments here & there.
you'll be the perfect dream guy for every girl.

sorry i am not perfect.
& i cant be.

in this relationship.
i'm giving you all the credits you need & leave none for myself.

goodbye my lover.

i'm shutting off.........

BOYFRIEND

2009-09-14T02:02:00.004+08:00

my boyfriend is sissy.
my boyfriend is a bitch.
my boyfriend has a fetish for she-male.

my boyfriend is mushy.
my boyfriend is an arsehole.

my boyfriend loves me.
my boyfriend is weird.
my boyfriend hates me.

my boyfriend cares about me.
my boyfriend has eyes on me.
my boyfriend is cute.

my boyfriend

for muhd suf***

2009-09-11T21:18:00.005+08:00

you act like a bitch.
an ungrateful selfish bitch at that.

you think i'm so fucked up,
so be it.

if you really think you're good enough.
i'll walk away.

if you really am good.
why are you even sticking around ?

you don't need me eventually.

you know what you are,
a arsehole who only knows how to dream big.

act like a man dude.

just not the same

2009-09-10T17:27:00.002+08:00

sometimes,
i think i'm getting mushy.

getting nicer day by day.

oh gosh.

i just got to stop doing good deeds for people.

i just got to stop caring lots about this world.

oh well.

thank you

2009-09-10T17:07:00.005+08:00

i'm just pathetic.
i really don't wished to care.

but the harder i tried,
the more i cared..

day in & day out.
without you realising,

you lost someone.

with you there to see or not.

i'm tired of someone dialing my number when they are in need or just plain bored.

aren't you tired of excuses?
well excuse me.
i got to go.

see you no more.
hear from you no more.

cause life is as it seems.

i lost too many people,
for only god knows the reason why they kept walking away.

maybe i'm just not good at keeping them

maybe its a lesson to learn.

to keep those close & in touch.
for those friendship are precious.

i just don't get it,
everyone is so good at words.

you say one thing,
you do the other.

you complaint about one thing,
yet you kept doing it.

why bothered?

its the action that makes people jumps to conclusion.

tell me you don't ?

blues clues

2009-09-09T02:24:00.001+08:00

out of the blue.

my boyfriend is having an affair.
a really intimate affair.

gross.

bimbo-tic

2009-09-08T14:32:00.005+08:00

i believe this is hilarious.
a friend posted it on facebook.

can you even imagine ?
like what the fuck.

search

2009-09-04T13:28:00.004+08:00

i am searching for my creativity side in me.

i'm not sure myself what i've been doing lately.

i've not been doing any studying or revising when i should.
i've not been doing my assignments/homeworks.

& all the while,
i've been slacking around doing NOTHING.

which is something.

what the hell ??

i'll bore myself.

to dream.

2009-09-03T23:43:00.004+08:00

i dream of a big dream.

a dream i wished not to share.

a dream of what i'll be.

a dream of what i aim in life.

a dream that will change my life.

a dream that will determine who i am.

a dream of what i want.

a dream that i wished to achieve.

a dream that i'll be proud of.

that dream is what i've always been dreaming of a dream that i will be living in.

& that's the dream.

b'day celebration.

2009-08-31T12:59:00.004+08:00

what's a birthday without a celebration.
you then wouldn't called it a birthday celebration.
true enough ?

it was celebrated at Fish & Co.
since it was our first time there.

10% discount plus supplementary dessert.
& the staffs will sing you a b'day rap.
where you have to stand on the chair.

how was it ?
memorable enough for you?

not to forget the ugly card i made for her.
i had it paste on the wrong side of the paper.
it was upside down.

what did you wished for little sis?

is it sweet or what?

aww.
she kissed me.
cause i kissed her first.
love you.

you'll be my favorite girl.
always.
wait.
shit i had it spelled wrong.

soup of the day.
i had no idea what the hell it is.

so how's the food?

seafood platter for two.

after everything.

birthday

2009-08-31T12:20:00.003+08:00

to my cool sister,
if you're any COOLER.
you'll be me!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ALINA.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU.

HAPPY SWEET 16 DEAR.

ps. now i can bring you watch nc 16.

urge to shop.

2009-08-30T13:55:00.003+08:00

i've this urge to splurge & shop & shop & shop.
yet i'm a little tight right now.

i want bags - hey, i'm short of bags.
i want earrings - even though i don't use them.
i want bangles - even though none seems to fit my wrist.sigh.
i want belts - oh please, i would use them once in a while.

see,
i wants things that i seldom use.

hello wake up.
what is wrong with me?

nut case.

in state of boredom

2009-08-30T13:49:00.002+08:00

let me see.
where do i start.
right here then.

is it me or is it you ?

i think its me.

well i don't know.

things are definitely different.
i shall not complaint cause its better ?

i think its me.
definitely.

nuts.

happy times

2009-08-24T09:57:00.006+08:00

looking back,
i realised that those sweet times we had are incomparable.
yes many bad/bitter times we shared,
but nothing to those happy times.

past.

2009-08-23T11:18:00.004+08:00

what is the one thing that pissed me off ?

is when i've been really nice with you. really cared for you. been there for you, stuck up for you, but in the end. there nothing from you. not even a phone call to say hi . or how are you . friends like you dont need me. friends like you will be better off without me, cause friends like you are just a selfish humans being. all you ever cared was a. yourself b. your boyfriend c. your friends
happy time last for a moment not life time. so i decided, i shouldnt care for all of you now. cause those past are just past.

eventually,
i dont need all of you.

stay happy though.

tell me,
how do you define the meaning friends.
or what is friends ?